Top Ten Ways to Embarrass Yourself at Hidden Beach

19 May

  1. Failing to be a hipster (although, as buzzfeed suggests, we are what out-of-state hipsters strive to be, yet personally “exempt from the label”): I mean, come on, why did you even BOTHER?
  2. Looking other people in the eye: Making eye contact with strangers or friends will immediately shatter your air of je ne sais quoi and hint at the possibility that you care what other people think.
  3. Wearing flip flops: You’re probably asking, “but isn’t the beach the only place I’m supposed to be allowed to wear sandals?!” Well, think again. Because you’re wrong. (For a list of appropriate Hidden Beach footwear see below)
  4. Being tan: Contrary to what you might expect at a beach, it is not permissible to have a tan at Hidden Beach. Already being tan would steal away a sense of the place’s virgin-like atmosphere (for explanation of statement reference entry for Sarcasm in Merriam-Webster).
  5. Getting so drunk that you actually go swimming: Doesn’t everybody understand that going to the beach is a means of immersing yourself in a kaleidoscopically anti-bourgeois visual tour de force, and does not actually have anything to do with swimming? For a point of reference, peruse an Urban Outfitters catalog.
  6. Getting so drunk that you actually make friends: Never, and I mean never, talk to people you don’t know at the beach. This destroys their fantasies about you and weakens the likelihood of them posting something salacious about you on Craig’s List “Missed Connections”.
  7. Planning: Whether arriving with a picnic lunch or wearing an outfit that’s too obviously “beachy”, planning is a no-fail indicator that you’re a loser who tries too hard. Instead, it’s ideal to arrive wearing an outfit as inappropriate as possible and with an inherently useless set of things. Last week I arrived at the beach wearing a skirt suit and dragging an enormous rolling luggage bag behind me—My look was a smash hit!
  8. Openly enjoying yourself: In order to gage how much melancholy intellectual amusement Hidden Beach attendees are granting themselves, look not to the tone of their voice or the expression on their face. Instead, gauge detached contentment based on the number of hand-rolled cigarettes they consume.
  9. Not having a tattoo: duh
  10. Combing your hair: If you arrive at the beach with combed hair, people are going to begin to wonder whether or not that article City Pages posted has actually begun to reach the conservative mainstream population and ruin “our spot.” (Don’t let other people KNOW about Hidden Beach—it’s a SECRET)

Shoes you are allowed to wear to Hidden Beach:

  • None at all
  • Toms
  • Chuck Taylors
  • Anything with a back story that allows you to reference some obscure, in-the-know thrift shop

Enough of me ranting – What do YOU have to say about Hidden?

Do tell.

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