Dear Jason Zabel,
Thank you for writing this outline of modern masculinity. I feel as though I owe it to your genius to circulate this article, this checklist, if you will, as quickly as my feeble typing can manage.
p.s. might I suggest that this article even, dare I say it, be applicable to ladies who are looking to come off as ‘grown-ass women’ as well?
Lifted Directly from The Tangential:
How to be a man, despite not being “manly”
If you’re the only man present in a room full of women, and they want to know “what boys think,” make it up. It’s your time to be a man. Shock them with what men think. It will be easy.
If one of your girlfriends is can’t-walk-drunk or disabled-because-she-stepped-on-glass-while-barefoot-drunk, you’ll have to man up and carry this girl. Make sure you’re doing this in a way that reveals her butt if she’s wearing a skirt or a dress.
When you are friends with only girls and they don’t want to drive because it is dark or drunk out, you will need to drive. Agree to drive with your bro-iest voice, and say something like, “Duh, yeah, babe. Who else would drive?”
If you are with a girl who is crying because of a death or break up, you need to hug the girl and have a strong face. But don’t be too manly. Just be the big thing that she needs to hug. Don’t go as far as acting like a boy. Be only physically manly in this situation.
If one of your girlfriends wants a little kiss, give her a little kiss. You’re just a dude for fuck’s sake.
If she needs more than a kiss, tell her you’re not the right dude. You just ain’t manly enough.
When you’re feeling like people are forgetting you’re a dude, call something “gay” that isn’t gay.
Sometimes, when with only your girlfriends at a bar, buy a round of drinks for the ladies even though you want nothing to do with their special parts.
If you are a boy and the car brakes down on the highway, get out of the car even though there will be vehicles speeding by. You need to appear confident, as though you do this all of the time. You need to circle the car and locate the problem. Then come up with a plan based on the problem. You will need to drive the car to the service station, and once you have duct taped the car back together, you must flex, like a man. Point out the manliness you achieved to at least five different strangers when you’re drunk later.
If you’re camping and you’re presented with the opportunity to shoot a gun or gut a fish, don’t turn these manly moments down. Occasionally male hobbies can feel novel and exciting, and even though you’d prefer to be swimming in the lake with the girls or elegantly diving off a float dock, shoot the fucking gun or gut that fucking fish.