original image: vice.com
If you happen to be an adult who wears any of these things during the winter (excepting sports), I strongly advise you to reconsider your wardrobe choices—an overhaul may be in order.
- Knit Face Masks. Unless you’re on a four-wheeler (why?) or a member of the psychotic clan of winter biking enthusiasts, there is no need for this. You do realize that you’re making every person you pass on the street fight the impression that you are about to commit, or just finished committing, a heinous crime?
- Knit Leggings. A good rule of thumb when getting dressed: Try not to wear anything that your childhood Barbie would wear.
- Hats with Animal Ears. These can be adorable on young children. On 45-year-old men? Not so much.
- Capes. Unless you’re on vacation from the Shire or playing a role in this year’s modern rendition of Hamlet, there is no excuse for this.
- Ugg Boots on Men: Nothing says “I’m a man” like an overweight, middle-aged gentleman wearing fitted jeans that he’s messily tucked into his mid-calf Ugg boots.
- Moon Boots. Every time I see a girl in these, I have the urge to scream, “OH MY GOD, Tila Tequila! Can I have your autograph?!?”
- Flip Flops. How is this still happening?
- Bare Legs. It literally HURTS to look at you on a 12-degree day in Minnesota.
- Open-Toed Shoes. Don’t be stupid.
- Hats with Fake Dreadlocks. I don’t even think these are ok for kids.
- Hats with Fake Mohawks. Because Technicolor, polar fleece hats are just so f*ing punk rock, man.
- Leather Dusters. If you insist on wearing this, you deserve to know that ever woman with decent eyesight will have no choice but to view you as a threat to their physical safety.
Holy shit this is funny. Major <3.
I actually found this more etnertaiinng than James Joyce.